If I'm starting to come up with headlines like that, I should probably stop reading the tabloids.
But you just can't beat them for trashy pop stories such as the news in today's Daily Mirror that Michael Jackson is planning to ride onstage astride an elephant at his London concerts later this year.
Not only that, there's talk of panthers led on gold chains, tropical birds flying about the place, monkeys, and no fewer than 100 Masai warriors.
The last time he attempted anything so grandiose was at the 1996 BRIT Awards when his messianic performance was interrupted by Jarvis Cocker's bum-wiggling antics.
But that was at the height of Cool Britannia when the country was feeling good about itself. Jacko's self-important preaching felt out of place and vaguely obscene.
But as we all know, things are very different now.
While I was thinking about this earlier, something occurred to me that I never thought I would say.
In these dark days of recession, global terrorism, and 24-hour rolling cancer coverage, could it be that a bit of Jacko-inspired lunacy is what we need to cheer us up?
Just a thought.