Hello. It’s Tom Townshend here (that’s me in the corner, so you don’t mistake me for the esteemed editor James Hurley). Foolishly, MSN Music have left the blog unlocked again, while they’ve all swanned off to The Brits. So I’m going to be sitting here, watching the show, eating my dinner and needlessly writing stupid and ill-informed things about it. Think of me as the online equivalent of your dad shouting at the telly.

I would genuinely love for you to join me, your comments are most welcome and the best/worst/funniest will be quoted here on the blog. Probably.

If you’ve not seen it yet, that fine fellow Rob Morgan has made his predictions for tonight’s winners. Have a look here. If he gets more than three wrong he has to come to work in his pants tomorrow (MSN rules).

Before we begin, let’s just say we’re concerned about tonight’s Brits. We’re concerned because it seems that in their 30th year, the whole ceremony is hinging on just two things: what Lady GaGa will or won’t wear, and Cheryl Cole.

Despite this teaser picture, released earlier today, GaGa has said she may tone down her appearance out of respect for the late Alexander McQueen. We can’t believe this is true (wouldn’t the fashion maverick have wanted her to be even more outrageous in his memory?) but we’ll be monitoring her closely with our very own GaGa-ometer, built specially for tonight. And we all know what the lovely Cheryl’s going through at the moment so we’ll be giving her nothing but support. (A certain bookmakers are offering odds on whether she’ll cry or not – charming.)

Right then, settle down, crack open the Kettle chips and let’s get on with the Brit Awards 2010 (with MasterCard)…

After The Krypton Factor. Sigh.

19:39

This is the first time I’ve seen the new Krypton and I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. It’s basically Numberwang by a different name, isn’t it?

Ah, that Rufus bloke and a girl we don’t know are doing the Brits red carpet stuff on ITV2. Let’s watch that instead.

19:47

it’s Florence from Florence & the Machine telling us how weird it is to be on the red carpet. It’s not that weird really, is it? She’s forgotten who made her dress. George at ASDA?

All Saints are getting the lifetime achievement award! Oh no, they’re just interviewing Kasabian being a bit nonchalant.

Apparently Robbie sang a Take That song in rehearsal.  Hooray. First Ashley Cole joke of the evening from Alan Carr. 🙁

19:53

Crikey it’s Robbie on the actual red carpet, not wearing a tie. Ties are clearly out. If you’re wearing a tie, throw it in the bin. You won’t need it again.

19:58

Cheryl Cole’s L’Oreal advert: “Five problems – one solution” 🙁

Here we go…

It’s Lily Allen with odd hair riding a slow and jerky rocket and wearing some kind of leather underwear. Business women with prams, business men in union flag pants, pink soldiers… If anyone has any clue what’s going on then please speak up.

Is it just our telly or are her lips not in sync with the live vocals? That’s a neat trick.

20:04

Audio already muted on Peter Kay’s intro. What could he have said? Nothing funny yet, that’s for sure. It’s all a bit Crackerjack.

“Crackerjack!”

We were gonna predict he’d make a joke about Sam Fox and yet here she is in person. No reaction from the crowd to her joke about cocking up The Brits 21 years ago. They weren’t born then. And, er, neither were we.

Spice Girls win Brits Hits 30 award! Get in!

Only Mel B and Geri turn up to get it. Bah.

Though Geri has come disguised as Emma Bunton so it’s like having three of them there.

Are we wrong to find Mel B really hot, these days?

20:08

They’re rattling through them. Best male is…

Mika! Not really, it’s Dizzee Rascal.

Blimey.

Dizzee just snuck a rude finger gesture past the censors. And a swear word. He’s thanked all the British people. That’s nice.

20:10

JLS are dangling. Why are they dangling? Are inexplicable stage performances going to be the theme of this year’s show? Everyone’s clearly been racking their brains to work out how to upstage Lady GaGa. JLS just need to take their tops off, it’s what the people want. Well, some of the people.

Did the label really blow all the budget on those wires? A video screen of some lightning is a bit lame. We’re liking Aston’s tribute to Kylie with the hooded top, though.

20:15

Oh brilliant it’s Fearne Cotton. We thought they’d forgotten her. But no.

Toilet break!

20:20

Is Peter Kay being deliberately rubbish? If I were the Brits producers I’d be sending a courier bike round to Russell Brand’s house right about now.

Best International Male…

The really famous one who is performing later: Jay-Z

Seasick Steve shouldn’t have bothered having that wash.

Jay-Z’s wearing a tie. Ties are back! Laughs at his own attempt at a Spice Girls joke. Aw!

At least he tried to tell a joke. Take note Peter Kay. 🙁

20:24

Public vote!

Brits Album of 30 Years (don’t even start, I know, I know…)

Oasis win for their second best album. Amazing.

Liam’s here, thanked all his bandmates except Noel. Did a swear, gave the award to the audience and went off. Text book.

Peter Kay follows it with an insult and a joke about Kasabian that made absolutely no sense. Sorry folks but this is dire.

20:26

Another inexplicable stage set. Why do Kasabian have fire on stage for their performance of Fire? it’s probably a metaphor or something…

We have a comment!

Carol Walker thinks that “the Brits are poo”. No arguments here. Yet.

It has had a lot of the now very attractive Mel B on it though. Which, while absurd, is easy on the eye. Or my eye anyway. It’s probably just a phase.

I fear an Oasis argument is about to kick off in the comments. Hayley says “Noel is a knob!” Are we ‘aving that? I thought he was the nice one?

QUESTION:

What are you all having for your dinners?

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

Great. Peter Kay as good as admitted the show isn’t worth watching. Hasn’t yet realised it’s because its being presented by a funnyman not being funny.

Geri asks: “Is Peter doing a good job?” No one replies.

Good to see a Spice Girl on the stage, eh? What a novelty, etc.

British Breakthrough Act…

JLS. The public vote triumphs again.

JLS are not wearing ties. Take your ties off!

Aston is risking a nipple slip.

20:40

Female masturbation joke from Peter Kay. Said with dead eyes to no laughs. If he doesn’t want to be here why doesn’t he bugger off and let Lady GaGa do the rest of the show.

James Laurenson has been counting: “we’ve had 5 Mel B/Geri appearances already”

It feels like more.

Ellie Goulding is going to pieces in front of the big crowd even though she’s known she’s been getting this award for months. That Wembley Stadium gig still a way off, eh?

20:45

This is the LADY GAGA AWARDS

Everyone else go home

That was fantastic. Really, really fantastic. No matter what you think of her music or attention seeking ways. That’s what a pop performance should be like in the 21st century.

Shame we’re dragged straight back to earth by Fearne. Courtney Love looks like she could be Geri’s mum and Ellie Goulding’s granny.

20:51

Seems like I’m alone in thinking GaGa was magnificent. So let’s discuss the more important issue of food. Daniel Innes is having pizza. A good choice. No name is having traditional pancakes. What else?

Oh great, Peter Kay just tried the “garlic bread” line to no success. He used to be brilliant, right?

It’s Stringer Bell! Still can’t get used to him having an English accent.

Oh. Ashley Cole joke from Stringer. 🙁

Best British band…

Kasabian.

Can we just say here that the drummer from Kasabian is a really lovely man. What we mean by that is we met him once and he didn’t spit at us. No really, he was lovely.

International Breakthrough…

Lady GaGa (a bit emotional)

21:02

john writes “gaga takes the earth, fear run for the hills”.

Ain’t that the truth? Possibly.

We wouldn’t employ her as a babysitter but that Florence has some lungs on her. We’re starting to forgive her for the time she nearly burnt us with a cigarette in a Camden pub (it was a long time ago).

Prince Harry actually made more of an effort to be funny than Peter Kay. Bet his iPod has some dreadful things on it though. Probably got the first Mika album. Not the second (who has?)

21:08

No name writes: “wow Harry has changed :-?”

At least he still has his natural hair colour.

You’ve already done that joke, Peter. Jeez.

Jonathan Ross allowing us all to feel as embarrassed as his children are right now.

International Female…

GAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

The teacup is back. She forgot people to thank!? She’s already named over 160.

Are the audience just looking away and talking amongst themselves each time Peter Kay speaks?

Female Solo Artist…

Lily Allen.

New wig. Even worse than the last one. At least she seems happy.

James Laurenson says: “Why has Lily come as Jimmy Krankie?”

Laura Hickman says: “it seems Lily has dressed up as Nicola Roberts tonight”

Jay-Z and Alicia – classy.

Please don’t say this is going to be one of those Brits where we’re shown up by the Americans again. Come on Robbie, we’re relying on you (*keeps hopes lows*)

Natalie says: “Stupid watershed, why not put it on at 9 and just let them bleep away.”

A sweary Brits would be more fun. Possibly.

Lily Allen wins an award, Fearne Cotton spends most of what should be an interview with her talking about Jonathan Ross’s stupid outfit. Brilliant. 🙁

Right. It’s time for…. Tom’s Dinner

If any of you have been here for previous live blogs, you’ll know this is a vast improvement on the usual. It might not look pretty but there’s two kinds of mushrooms in there. And rice noodles.

Forgot pudding, again.

21:27

It’s quite literally Mika! Amazing.

International Album…

GaGa Rah Rah etc.

When this is all over we will all forget how rubbish it’s been and remember only GaGa. It’s as if she planned it this way. Maybe she booked Peter Kay?

She’s gonna wet her doilies.

She forgot more people!? She’s just going through her Facebook friends now.

Oh sod off Peter Kay.

Jessica Billman says: “Why am I bored? Was it really more fun when Ricky Martin performed Livin’ la vida way back in ’99..but then I was just a giddy teenager”

All very good points. But when pop is really good it should still makes us feel like a giddy teenager, I reckon.

Cheryl is rescuing this ropey song by playing another far better one over the top. Terrifying dance routine. Is ITV playing everything slightly out of sync so we can’t tell who is miming and who isn’t?

Anyway…

British single…

JLS – Beat Again

The boyband is really back, isn’t it? Well, a boyband anyway. This one. What’s my point again?

Aston backflipped! We’d like to see GaGa do that in that outfit.

What, no Spice Girls? Surely they should be on again soon.

British Album…

Florence & the Machine – Lungs

Crikey. Who saw that coming? It’s only half a good album too, let’s be honest.

But yeah, she waved her cigarette mere millimetres from my face without a care in the world. But I’ll get over it. She probably wouldn’t do it now.

Mike Hackett says: “What were you all expecting from Peter Kay, its the BRITS not an audience with Peter Kay”

I guess what we were expecting is that he would earn the astronomical amount of money he’s being paid by occasionally looking like he wants to be there and possibly doing some funny jokes. But we’re a demanding lot.

21:48

Robbie better be about to bring Take That on stage, that’s all we can say.

The pop genius that is Trevor Horn is on bass! And Robbie doesn’t have “scary eyes”.

I think Robbie Williams is about to pull off the comeback of a lifetime.

He’s just remembered how to do his job. Talk about scoring in the final seconds.

(ok, maybe a bit “scary”)

Come Undone? I’d forgotten that song ever existed. What’s gonna be the big finish?

Naomi says: “You can’t deny it; Robbie can entertain. This is like a mini concert.”

Therehadto​beone says: “The god who is Robbie Williams is outperforming EVERYONE!!!!”

Blimey.

It’s the mass Angels sing-a-long. I know you’re doing it at home.

He’s wearing a tie. Ties are back!

No Take That, but that was pretty incredible. And goodness knows the show needed it.

Thanks to all of you who commented or read this. I’d like to thank my parents, MSN, the man in Fopp who let me exchange a CD today and everyone who helped me write this nonsense. I feel we’ve been through something slightly traumatic together.

That was the Brit Awards 2010. Let’s never speak of it again.