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A letter from Parker Selfridge – Pandora Resources Development Administration


Greetings earthlings!

Ha! Sorry I always wanted to say that! I guess spending all this time on an alien world is bringing out my nerdy side.

So things have been going well up here. Business is good. We’ve run into a few problems with the local life forms. But I don’t see it being too much of an issue.

In fact I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I’ve heard a few whispers that our little unobtanium mining operation is getting a little unpopular back there on earth. Seems that the locals (na’avi, or something?) have been becoming quite the flavour of the month.

I mean, what the hell!? I’m on the frontier here people! I’m busting my ass to provide us with a little mineral that can SAVE OUR ENTIRE SPECIES and you’re all worrying about these oversize blue things and their precious tree!

Sorry. Lost my rag there.

I was sent here to do a job, okay? I’m just doing what I have to do to get paid. I got Sigourney Weaver giving me the beatdown every day as it is. Last thing I need is all this bad press.

Listen guys, if it wasn’t for the fact that these aliens are blue, sort of attractive and remind us of The Lost Boys from Peter Pan, we’d have kicked them out of their goddamn treehouse YEARS ago. What if they were a species of evil gigantic bugs like the ones out of Starship Troopers?! You wouldn’t have cared so much if we’d kicked THOSE aliens out of their local habitat…

Besides, it’s a big planet with lots of trees. All we need is for them to vacate this specific area. Hell, we can move them back to the states and they can have the big Cedar outside my mom’s. I just need them to move. Is it so big a deal? Really!?

I can see why this happened. What with all their “I have a cool spear and a ponytail that I stick in my dragon’s ear!” stuff, these blue things are a PR nightmare. The only thing I got going for me is that they’re pretty irritating with their holier-than-thou mumbo jumbo about being “at one with the planet” and so on. I mean how full of themselves can one species get?! Yeah so they sleep in giant leaves. You wouldn’t want to have a beer with one would you! Give me a human any day of the week, warts and all.

All I ask is that we look at the situation objectively. We need the unobtanium, so let’s just give the giant smirfs a little nudge and get the hell out of there.

Ah crap, Sigourney Weaver’s back again. I gotta go.


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